Posts
Please visit my NEW blog page, at www.NicolesCorner.wordpress.com
I have moved all the previous posts over and have continued to post on the new site. I simply needed a shorter domain name and I like the Wordpress site.
Thanks for your interest in my corner of the world...see you soon!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Things I Swore I WOULD Do
I often find that I deal with life's difficulties, stresses and battles with various forms of humour; self-depracating humour, sarcastic humour etc. in an effort to not take life too seriously and to make light of the experiences that would otherwise drive me to insanity.
Recently, when speaking with someone after knowing them only a few days, I was told that I often come across as negative in my jokes or recounting of events in my life as a Mother. Perhaps she's right, maybe I am too negative; or perhaps she needs to get to know me a little better, to understand my brand of humour. The truth is there is nothing in the world I would rather do than be a mother, and despite my short-comings I hope that I am doing a fairly good job; I just find humour an excellent way to de-pressurize any situation.
Nevertheless, in an effort to be less "negative" as a parent, and less critical in my musings I am compiling a list of things that I purposed to do before becoming a parent and have in fact...done.
Let's call it a Counter-"Things I Swore I'd Never Do"-list if you will. So here it is, my Things-I've-Done-List (it's not exhaustive, but anyways...)
1. Volunteer in my children's school regularly.
2. Let my children jump on the sofa.
3. Take my children to the cinema, and buy the expensive snacks.
4. Purchase (and USE) Season's passes at Canada's Wonderland.
5. Let my kids play in the bathtub for a long time until the water is cold.
6. Take my children swimming in a pool, lake or slip-n-slide, regardless of how I look in a bathingsuit.
7. Go on any and all school field trips for which I am permitted to chaperone.
8. Do crafts with my children, involving glue, sparkles, pipe cleaners, and popsicle sticks.
9. Let my son collect bugs despite my phobia of all things crawly.
10. Act excited when I am presented with said creepy crawly things by a smiling child proud of his treasures.
11. Make the kids hot chocolate whenever they feel cold, and even add marshmallows.
12. Teach my children to use their manners whatever the circumstance.
13. Let my daughters hair grow uncut for as long as possible. So far so good...
14. Read as many books and magazines as possible with parenting advice and tips, researching my job as a mother.
15. Have at least two children...I didn't enjoy being an only child.
16. Teach my children to address all grown-ups as Mr. Mrs. or Miss despite popular practice in today's society.
17. Make a family tradition of picking out a real Christmas tree together.
18. Regularly have sit down meals together with all family members present.
19. Sign my daughter up for ballet...yes she is living out one of my dreams, but she seems ok with it...)
20. Teach my children to love reading and enjoy books.
21. Make homemade cookies and muffins, although I often cop out and get store bought cookies too.
22. Take lots of photographs of my children as the grow up...thank goodness for the advent of digital photography...
23. Play board games together as a family.
24. Carefully monitor what the children watch on television.
25. Let my kids "help" with baking, cooking, and cleaning despite that it take 2x as long and makes 2x the mess when they help.
26. Buy character bandaids even though Barbie and Batman are less practical and more expensive.
27. Pray every night with my kids.
28. Take family vacations, making memories that will last a lifetime.
29. Save every piece of artwork, crafts and drawings...although we will likely need a small storage unit soon to store it all.
30. Be flexible, teachable and constantly evolve as a parent, always striving to be the best Mother to my children I can possibly be.
As I look over this list I realize that I am successfully fulfilling my imaginary to-do list on a regular basis. I must not being doing as bad a job as I tend to think...perhaps I should be more positive!
Recently, when speaking with someone after knowing them only a few days, I was told that I often come across as negative in my jokes or recounting of events in my life as a Mother. Perhaps she's right, maybe I am too negative; or perhaps she needs to get to know me a little better, to understand my brand of humour. The truth is there is nothing in the world I would rather do than be a mother, and despite my short-comings I hope that I am doing a fairly good job; I just find humour an excellent way to de-pressurize any situation.
Nevertheless, in an effort to be less "negative" as a parent, and less critical in my musings I am compiling a list of things that I purposed to do before becoming a parent and have in fact...done.
Let's call it a Counter-"Things I Swore I'd Never Do"-list if you will. So here it is, my Things-I've-Done-List (it's not exhaustive, but anyways...)
1. Volunteer in my children's school regularly.
2. Let my children jump on the sofa.
3. Take my children to the cinema, and buy the expensive snacks.
4. Purchase (and USE) Season's passes at Canada's Wonderland.
5. Let my kids play in the bathtub for a long time until the water is cold.
6. Take my children swimming in a pool, lake or slip-n-slide, regardless of how I look in a bathingsuit.
7. Go on any and all school field trips for which I am permitted to chaperone.
8. Do crafts with my children, involving glue, sparkles, pipe cleaners, and popsicle sticks.
9. Let my son collect bugs despite my phobia of all things crawly.
10. Act excited when I am presented with said creepy crawly things by a smiling child proud of his treasures.
11. Make the kids hot chocolate whenever they feel cold, and even add marshmallows.
12. Teach my children to use their manners whatever the circumstance.
13. Let my daughters hair grow uncut for as long as possible. So far so good...
14. Read as many books and magazines as possible with parenting advice and tips, researching my job as a mother.
15. Have at least two children...I didn't enjoy being an only child.
16. Teach my children to address all grown-ups as Mr. Mrs. or Miss despite popular practice in today's society.
17. Make a family tradition of picking out a real Christmas tree together.
18. Regularly have sit down meals together with all family members present.
19. Sign my daughter up for ballet...yes she is living out one of my dreams, but she seems ok with it...)
20. Teach my children to love reading and enjoy books.
21. Make homemade cookies and muffins, although I often cop out and get store bought cookies too.
22. Take lots of photographs of my children as the grow up...thank goodness for the advent of digital photography...
23. Play board games together as a family.
24. Carefully monitor what the children watch on television.
25. Let my kids "help" with baking, cooking, and cleaning despite that it take 2x as long and makes 2x the mess when they help.
26. Buy character bandaids even though Barbie and Batman are less practical and more expensive.
27. Pray every night with my kids.
28. Take family vacations, making memories that will last a lifetime.
29. Save every piece of artwork, crafts and drawings...although we will likely need a small storage unit soon to store it all.
30. Be flexible, teachable and constantly evolve as a parent, always striving to be the best Mother to my children I can possibly be.
As I look over this list I realize that I am successfully fulfilling my imaginary to-do list on a regular basis. I must not being doing as bad a job as I tend to think...perhaps I should be more positive!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My Most Memorable Mom Moments...so far...
1. My son painting the cat with peanut butter from tip to tail....very funny but have you ever tried to bath a peanut butter-covered cat?
2. One July afternoon, my son playing outside in his snow suit in 39 degree weather...insisting he wasn't hot.
3. My boy running in front of the house buck naked with nothing but rubber boots on his feet.
4. My son reaching through the cat hole in the basement door to yank the cat through to the other side.
5. A creepy collection of hundreds of snails in a bug catcher one summer afternoon.
6. My daughter colouring her whole face with black magic marker.
7. When she tried to paint the dogs toenails with nailpolish...he was NOT happy about it.
8. The day she went to sunday school in a lovely blouse and skirt with no underwear...so embarrassing!
9. The day my 3 year old slipped into her brothers classroom to hear the story, I guess the supply teacher didn't realize she was too young to be in grade one.
10. When at 18 months, he ate an entire package of raw hotdogs.
11. Finding my 9 month old son inexplicably sitting in the middle of the dining room table eating a bag of cookies.
12. The rubber duck that found it's way flushed down the toilet and impossible to dislodge...Daddy had to remove the whole toilet from the bathroom just to get it out and stop the floosing.
13. My son falling asleep in the jolly jumper only to rouse and keep bouncing, then fall asleep and rouse and bounce again....over and over and over.
14. My firstborn ripping the wristband off twice in the first five minutes outside the womb...should have been a clear sign that this kid would have a mind of his own.
15. The summer of the red rubber boots...my little girl wearing them with every outfit, every day in all weather...
16. My princess running through the back yard buck naked except for the beloved red rubber boots...what is it with my exhibitionist children anyway?
17. Bathing my daughter in a canning pot on the dining room table.
18. Bubblegum in her hair and nailpolish all over her feet and ankles.
19. Camping with an 8 week old one rainy weekend in Sauble Beach...nothing says nature like sterilizing bottles and nipples at a campsite.
20. My 18 month old boy less-than-gently tossing baby kittens into the Christmas Tree...
21. Seeing my daughters full head of hair clearly during the 32 week ultrasound.
22. My son's infatuation with infomercial products, and his purchase of a sham-wow mop for me (with his OWN money), convinced that it was the solution to all my cleaning woes.
23. My 3 year old catapulting himself from one couch to the next singing the theme song to Spiderman.
24. Waiting hysterically for the lifeguards all-points-bulletin at Canada's Wonderland in search of my son at the splash park...he'd slipped away from me and gone to the wave pool by himself.
25. My daughter lounging on top of the family dog to watch television, it would appear she thinks he's a bean bag chair.
26. Sitting expectantly beside an Neo-natal incubator for 15 days straight waiting for the words "you can take him home today".
27. Going on a "date" with my 5 year old son to see Shrek 3 and finding that we were the only two people in the whole theatre...it was the most exciting thing for him!
28. Being locked out of the house by my 18 month old daughter and having to remove the kitchen screen and shove my son through the window into the kictchen sink, which just so happened to be full of dirty dishes.
29. My 9 month old son opening his mouth to show me the dead fly that he found.
30. Finding teeth marks in the pound of butter AND my apple cinnamon candles!
2. One July afternoon, my son playing outside in his snow suit in 39 degree weather...insisting he wasn't hot.
3. My boy running in front of the house buck naked with nothing but rubber boots on his feet.
4. My son reaching through the cat hole in the basement door to yank the cat through to the other side.
5. A creepy collection of hundreds of snails in a bug catcher one summer afternoon.
6. My daughter colouring her whole face with black magic marker.
7. When she tried to paint the dogs toenails with nailpolish...he was NOT happy about it.
8. The day she went to sunday school in a lovely blouse and skirt with no underwear...so embarrassing!
9. The day my 3 year old slipped into her brothers classroom to hear the story, I guess the supply teacher didn't realize she was too young to be in grade one.
10. When at 18 months, he ate an entire package of raw hotdogs.
11. Finding my 9 month old son inexplicably sitting in the middle of the dining room table eating a bag of cookies.
12. The rubber duck that found it's way flushed down the toilet and impossible to dislodge...Daddy had to remove the whole toilet from the bathroom just to get it out and stop the floosing.
13. My son falling asleep in the jolly jumper only to rouse and keep bouncing, then fall asleep and rouse and bounce again....over and over and over.
14. My firstborn ripping the wristband off twice in the first five minutes outside the womb...should have been a clear sign that this kid would have a mind of his own.
15. The summer of the red rubber boots...my little girl wearing them with every outfit, every day in all weather...
16. My princess running through the back yard buck naked except for the beloved red rubber boots...what is it with my exhibitionist children anyway?
17. Bathing my daughter in a canning pot on the dining room table.
18. Bubblegum in her hair and nailpolish all over her feet and ankles.
19. Camping with an 8 week old one rainy weekend in Sauble Beach...nothing says nature like sterilizing bottles and nipples at a campsite.
20. My 18 month old boy less-than-gently tossing baby kittens into the Christmas Tree...
21. Seeing my daughters full head of hair clearly during the 32 week ultrasound.
22. My son's infatuation with infomercial products, and his purchase of a sham-wow mop for me (with his OWN money), convinced that it was the solution to all my cleaning woes.
23. My 3 year old catapulting himself from one couch to the next singing the theme song to Spiderman.
24. Waiting hysterically for the lifeguards all-points-bulletin at Canada's Wonderland in search of my son at the splash park...he'd slipped away from me and gone to the wave pool by himself.
25. My daughter lounging on top of the family dog to watch television, it would appear she thinks he's a bean bag chair.
26. Sitting expectantly beside an Neo-natal incubator for 15 days straight waiting for the words "you can take him home today".
27. Going on a "date" with my 5 year old son to see Shrek 3 and finding that we were the only two people in the whole theatre...it was the most exciting thing for him!
28. Being locked out of the house by my 18 month old daughter and having to remove the kitchen screen and shove my son through the window into the kictchen sink, which just so happened to be full of dirty dishes.
29. My 9 month old son opening his mouth to show me the dead fly that he found.
30. Finding teeth marks in the pound of butter AND my apple cinnamon candles!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Things I Swore I'd Never Do
I have a tendency to think that I know everything about everything, I often think that I know the best way to handle a situation even though I may not have much experience in the area. Take Mothering as an example, I had the handling of every obstacle and hot button issue mapped out before my eggs were even released from the ovary.
As I gain more and more experience I often find myself remembering all the things I swore I would "never do, when I have kids", and yet find myself doing some of these things on a regular basis. Sometimes I think about tasks that I thought would be easier and realize now that I make compromises just to get through them, these choices don't fill me with pride. However there are many things that I used to think I couldn't do or wouldn't do them no matter what, and yet I have found that God has given me exactly what I need to do them and that's a good thing, because I'm probably a better mother for them. Through trial and error I have also learned that many things are really not that big a deal and it's ok to adjust my plan as I go, it's always a good idea to be flexible when you are a Mom.
So in no particular order, here are some things that I currently do or have done as a mother, despite having claimed that I would "Never Do" them in my pre-children naivete.
1. Let the television babysit my children...now I turn on the DVD player in the van just to drive 3 blocks to school, anything to keep them quiet.
2. Feed my children food that comes in unnatural forms...now yogurt tubes, fruit-by-the-foot and cheese strings are regular lunch items.
3. Wear my hair in a ponytail for 67 consecutive weeks...now, I don't even need an elastic to hold it anymore, it just grows that way.
4. Use dinnertime battles to educate my kids about starving children who would be happy to have the meatloaf they are refusing to eat...now it's a standard lecture at our dining room table.
5. Look forward to time away from my kids...I love them more than anything, but some days a weekend away starts to look like heaven.
6. Ice skate, skateboard, swim in public, play soccer, practice tae kwon do, slip n' slide, Chuck E Cheese...now I find myself participating in all of these activities with my children regularly, except Chuck E Cheese, I try to avoid that place like the plague!
7. Let my daughter play with objectifying or unrealistic toys like Barbie...now they are my absolute favourite toys, dolls and movies. My daughter is lucky if I let her play with MY Barbies.
8. Let my little girl leave the house without perfectly styled and orderly hair...now I find letting her sleep with braids makes for good get-up-and-go hair the next day...anything to make the mornings run smoother.
9. Be capable of cleaning up vomit, wiping snotty noses and picking lice out of hair...and yet I am now an expert in all these undesirable tasks.
10. Respond to questions with "Because I said so"...unfortunately sometimes I just don't feel I need to give a better reason. After 24+ hours of labour this is a good enough reason to obey me.
11. Let my children watch Spongebob Squarepants...I am embarrassed to admit that I caved. No excuse, no honourable goal, I just can't come up with a valid reason to prohibit it other than it's just stupid.
12. Let my babies have soothers...when my son was born they gave him a soother, to my outrage, I quickly realized what a useful tool I had been given. It was a well-utilized device for both my children and not so hard to give up after all.
13. Go Camping, I have always had an intense dislike for the outdoors...now I pack my citronella candles, coffee maker and inflatable raised mattress and I am as game for nature loving as the next city girl.
14. Let my children eat froot loops, chocolate milk, pez candy, gummi worms, fruit roll ups, dunkaroos and cotton candy...because they never got these things when they were small, they have healthy appetites and more often than not make better choices, so I can give them these things once and a while as treat and they don't get out of hand.
15. Have Children...yes, that's what I said. I swore for years that I would never have children, people who knew me will remember my vehement argument against it...and yet now, there is not a day that goes by, no matter how difficult or stressful my job gets, that I regret my decision to have children. They are my life and bring me more joy than anything I could have planned or imagined!
As I gain more and more experience I often find myself remembering all the things I swore I would "never do, when I have kids", and yet find myself doing some of these things on a regular basis. Sometimes I think about tasks that I thought would be easier and realize now that I make compromises just to get through them, these choices don't fill me with pride. However there are many things that I used to think I couldn't do or wouldn't do them no matter what, and yet I have found that God has given me exactly what I need to do them and that's a good thing, because I'm probably a better mother for them. Through trial and error I have also learned that many things are really not that big a deal and it's ok to adjust my plan as I go, it's always a good idea to be flexible when you are a Mom.
So in no particular order, here are some things that I currently do or have done as a mother, despite having claimed that I would "Never Do" them in my pre-children naivete.
1. Let the television babysit my children...now I turn on the DVD player in the van just to drive 3 blocks to school, anything to keep them quiet.
2. Feed my children food that comes in unnatural forms...now yogurt tubes, fruit-by-the-foot and cheese strings are regular lunch items.
3. Wear my hair in a ponytail for 67 consecutive weeks...now, I don't even need an elastic to hold it anymore, it just grows that way.
4. Use dinnertime battles to educate my kids about starving children who would be happy to have the meatloaf they are refusing to eat...now it's a standard lecture at our dining room table.
5. Look forward to time away from my kids...I love them more than anything, but some days a weekend away starts to look like heaven.
6. Ice skate, skateboard, swim in public, play soccer, practice tae kwon do, slip n' slide, Chuck E Cheese...now I find myself participating in all of these activities with my children regularly, except Chuck E Cheese, I try to avoid that place like the plague!
7. Let my daughter play with objectifying or unrealistic toys like Barbie...now they are my absolute favourite toys, dolls and movies. My daughter is lucky if I let her play with MY Barbies.
8. Let my little girl leave the house without perfectly styled and orderly hair...now I find letting her sleep with braids makes for good get-up-and-go hair the next day...anything to make the mornings run smoother.
9. Be capable of cleaning up vomit, wiping snotty noses and picking lice out of hair...and yet I am now an expert in all these undesirable tasks.
10. Respond to questions with "Because I said so"...unfortunately sometimes I just don't feel I need to give a better reason. After 24+ hours of labour this is a good enough reason to obey me.
11. Let my children watch Spongebob Squarepants...I am embarrassed to admit that I caved. No excuse, no honourable goal, I just can't come up with a valid reason to prohibit it other than it's just stupid.
12. Let my babies have soothers...when my son was born they gave him a soother, to my outrage, I quickly realized what a useful tool I had been given. It was a well-utilized device for both my children and not so hard to give up after all.
13. Go Camping, I have always had an intense dislike for the outdoors...now I pack my citronella candles, coffee maker and inflatable raised mattress and I am as game for nature loving as the next city girl.
14. Let my children eat froot loops, chocolate milk, pez candy, gummi worms, fruit roll ups, dunkaroos and cotton candy...because they never got these things when they were small, they have healthy appetites and more often than not make better choices, so I can give them these things once and a while as treat and they don't get out of hand.
15. Have Children...yes, that's what I said. I swore for years that I would never have children, people who knew me will remember my vehement argument against it...and yet now, there is not a day that goes by, no matter how difficult or stressful my job gets, that I regret my decision to have children. They are my life and bring me more joy than anything I could have planned or imagined!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Sorority of Expert Mothers
When we are young and we have no idea about marriage, raising children or life in general; there are so many things about which we have preconceived notions. Ways that we will do things, methods to handling certain situations, all of which are good in theory but often become ineffective in the practice of real life. Our intentions are good, our goal honourable, and yet in our youthful arrogance we look at the world around us with impatience and barely supressed smugness.
For example, we know exactly what kind of wife/husband we will be, and who we want to marry. We know exactly the best time to have children and how many years to leave between the birth of each child. We know the best way to feed our baby, our children will "never" be picky eaters, nor will meal time ever be a battle. We are pretty sure that we know how to calm a crying baby, although it is unlikely we will need this skill because of course, "our baby" will NEVER be difficult. And the most definitive opinion that most people have before they become parents; is regarding discipline and punishment, we know EXACTLY how children should behave and have a pretty good plan for how to achieve the elusive "well-behaved child". In public places the words "MY child will NEVER behave like THAT!!" can oft be heard on our lips as we make a mental note to nip that in the bud before our child has even begun breathing on his own.
So if we all have this perfect plan, and we all know the RIGHT way to handle every situation, what happens? Why do we find ourselves on the receiving end of a flying shoe or cringing at the sound of spiteful words like "you're the WORST Mother EVER!!"?? Where did we go wrong? What happened to all our wisdom and certainty?
The answer is...children. The Children happened. No matter how many books we read and no matter how many times we dissect the public temper tantrum of "someone else's child, we can never really know how to handle a situation like that until we are face to face with the screaming "I-want-a-treat"-monster!!
I often find myself in a store trying to stop the bickering between children or quell the constant whining for this treat or that toy, and just when I'm reaching my breaking point (you know the place, when you don't even care who hears you...) I look over and there is inevitably a woman staring at me. She's usually trying to stay focussed on her task, but she is having difficulty keeping her eyes to herself.
In that moment I wonder, is she looking at me because she has been in my shoes and she feels badly for me? Or is she the kind of woman who raised "perfect" children, did everything "right", you know this woman...the one who has fogotten that her children whined too? Usually I never find out. I am doomed to wondering if this stranger that I will likely never see again, looked on me with compassion or contempt. That is frustrating.
With my personality, I instinctively react to every frustrating situation with a change in my behaviour at some level. And so I have developed a habit that drives my husband crazy, causing him to beg me to stop talking to people in public. Every time we are out and about, at the mall, amusement park or dollar store, and we come across another mother battling with her child or trying to put a temper tantrum to rest; I go out of my way to lean over and tell the frazzled mother-on-the-verge that she is doing a great job. I can see my husband visibly shrink back into the woodwork when he sees this impending exchange, nonetheless I feel very strongly that it is important for mothers to show solidarity in the midst of difficult parenting moments.
After all, haven't we all been in a situation where we felt less than capable in our role as authority figure to our children, at the mercy of those passing us by with pity or compassion-filled looks. And how much better it would have been if someone (anyone) had given us a thumbs up and encouraged us, how much easier would it have been to stand our ground and not buckle under the pressure? So I plan to continue to give my fellow mother's a thumbs up in their time of need, a gentle voice of solidarity any time I see someone giving their screaming dragon-child a "stop right now or we are going home" warning.
And please, if you see me stuck in a mire of public humiliation, just give me a little thumbs up, because despite all my preparation and pre-child "expertise", I have no idea what I'm doing and I could use the encouragement!
For example, we know exactly what kind of wife/husband we will be, and who we want to marry. We know exactly the best time to have children and how many years to leave between the birth of each child. We know the best way to feed our baby, our children will "never" be picky eaters, nor will meal time ever be a battle. We are pretty sure that we know how to calm a crying baby, although it is unlikely we will need this skill because of course, "our baby" will NEVER be difficult. And the most definitive opinion that most people have before they become parents; is regarding discipline and punishment, we know EXACTLY how children should behave and have a pretty good plan for how to achieve the elusive "well-behaved child". In public places the words "MY child will NEVER behave like THAT!!" can oft be heard on our lips as we make a mental note to nip that in the bud before our child has even begun breathing on his own.
So if we all have this perfect plan, and we all know the RIGHT way to handle every situation, what happens? Why do we find ourselves on the receiving end of a flying shoe or cringing at the sound of spiteful words like "you're the WORST Mother EVER!!"?? Where did we go wrong? What happened to all our wisdom and certainty?
The answer is...children. The Children happened. No matter how many books we read and no matter how many times we dissect the public temper tantrum of "someone else's child, we can never really know how to handle a situation like that until we are face to face with the screaming "I-want-a-treat"-monster!!
I often find myself in a store trying to stop the bickering between children or quell the constant whining for this treat or that toy, and just when I'm reaching my breaking point (you know the place, when you don't even care who hears you...) I look over and there is inevitably a woman staring at me. She's usually trying to stay focussed on her task, but she is having difficulty keeping her eyes to herself.
In that moment I wonder, is she looking at me because she has been in my shoes and she feels badly for me? Or is she the kind of woman who raised "perfect" children, did everything "right", you know this woman...the one who has fogotten that her children whined too? Usually I never find out. I am doomed to wondering if this stranger that I will likely never see again, looked on me with compassion or contempt. That is frustrating.
With my personality, I instinctively react to every frustrating situation with a change in my behaviour at some level. And so I have developed a habit that drives my husband crazy, causing him to beg me to stop talking to people in public. Every time we are out and about, at the mall, amusement park or dollar store, and we come across another mother battling with her child or trying to put a temper tantrum to rest; I go out of my way to lean over and tell the frazzled mother-on-the-verge that she is doing a great job. I can see my husband visibly shrink back into the woodwork when he sees this impending exchange, nonetheless I feel very strongly that it is important for mothers to show solidarity in the midst of difficult parenting moments.
After all, haven't we all been in a situation where we felt less than capable in our role as authority figure to our children, at the mercy of those passing us by with pity or compassion-filled looks. And how much better it would have been if someone (anyone) had given us a thumbs up and encouraged us, how much easier would it have been to stand our ground and not buckle under the pressure? So I plan to continue to give my fellow mother's a thumbs up in their time of need, a gentle voice of solidarity any time I see someone giving their screaming dragon-child a "stop right now or we are going home" warning.
And please, if you see me stuck in a mire of public humiliation, just give me a little thumbs up, because despite all my preparation and pre-child "expertise", I have no idea what I'm doing and I could use the encouragement!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Stress...It's in the Eye of the Beholder
Stress is defined as “A specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism causing physical, mental or emotional strain or tension.”
Stress manifests very differently in every person, depending on their coping techniques, life experience and quantity of stressful stimuli present in their daily lives. Personally I find rigid schedules and repetitive tasks stressful. I much prefer to have something interesting and unpredictable happening in my life every day. However, I know that there are millions of people who would find my unstructured, impulsive lifestyle stressful and difficult to manage, as they take comfort in knowing what each day brings in advance.
How is it possible that one situation can be so comfortable and welcoming to one person and actually induce feelings of panic and anxiety in another? Let me give you an example to illustrate my confusion; I love my children, I love my home and I am rarely sorry about my choice to be a stay at home mother to my two delightful offspring for the last 7 years. However, despite my passion for my family, I often find myself overcome with a desire to stick a fork in my ear just to avoid hearing any more whining, bickering, complaining, banging, and shouting. It’s true, I often feel like my children have laid wagers on who will actually cause Mommy’s head to explode! So far the have merely achieved the throbbing veins in my forehead and neck, but they are driven youngsters, I have no doubt their success is inevitable.
So you can imagine my surprise the other day when my best friend called me from work to let me know that she was coming over to spend the night. This of course is my single friend who hasn’t had the privilege of procreating as of yet and therefore finds my children endearing and enjoyable. Anyways, she called to tell me that she had been having a terrible day at work, found herself stressed and emotionally drained and was hoping to come for an overnight visit.
I am always very happy to have her visit, as she is as close to a sister as I can get other than my wonderful sister in law. But I found it incredibly interesting that after a day full of “stressful stimuli”, my friend’s instinct was to come to my little world and spend some time “relaxing. Seriously? How could spending 24 hours with children chasing the dog through the house trying to ride him like bull, and arguing over who ate their noodles the fastest, possibly be relaxing for anyone? Is it possible that anyone could find the blaring cartoons, slamming doors and giggling games of hide and seek to be a blissful getaway from the everyday?
Well the answer according to my friend is a resounding yes, despite all the craziness, she finds our home comforting. Apparently, the fact that my kids adore her and come running when she enters the house, and the fact that she fits right into our family is enough to help her get past the extreme disquiet of our home. Huh.
So I guess the question of how situations can cause both comfort AND anxiety in different people is best answered by looking at the individual perspective. I think that our level of stress is lowered the more we are loved, and the more our emotional needs are met. That must be why at night when my kids are snuggled up next to me and we are reading a book, or when I hear the little voice spontaneously say “Mommy, I LOVE you” or when my son sees me at school and his face lights up, I don’t feel stress. Instead, I take a deep relaxing sigh and put down the fork, at least until the next rainy day when the bickering starts again.
Stress manifests very differently in every person, depending on their coping techniques, life experience and quantity of stressful stimuli present in their daily lives. Personally I find rigid schedules and repetitive tasks stressful. I much prefer to have something interesting and unpredictable happening in my life every day. However, I know that there are millions of people who would find my unstructured, impulsive lifestyle stressful and difficult to manage, as they take comfort in knowing what each day brings in advance.
How is it possible that one situation can be so comfortable and welcoming to one person and actually induce feelings of panic and anxiety in another? Let me give you an example to illustrate my confusion; I love my children, I love my home and I am rarely sorry about my choice to be a stay at home mother to my two delightful offspring for the last 7 years. However, despite my passion for my family, I often find myself overcome with a desire to stick a fork in my ear just to avoid hearing any more whining, bickering, complaining, banging, and shouting. It’s true, I often feel like my children have laid wagers on who will actually cause Mommy’s head to explode! So far the have merely achieved the throbbing veins in my forehead and neck, but they are driven youngsters, I have no doubt their success is inevitable.
So you can imagine my surprise the other day when my best friend called me from work to let me know that she was coming over to spend the night. This of course is my single friend who hasn’t had the privilege of procreating as of yet and therefore finds my children endearing and enjoyable. Anyways, she called to tell me that she had been having a terrible day at work, found herself stressed and emotionally drained and was hoping to come for an overnight visit.
I am always very happy to have her visit, as she is as close to a sister as I can get other than my wonderful sister in law. But I found it incredibly interesting that after a day full of “stressful stimuli”, my friend’s instinct was to come to my little world and spend some time “relaxing. Seriously? How could spending 24 hours with children chasing the dog through the house trying to ride him like bull, and arguing over who ate their noodles the fastest, possibly be relaxing for anyone? Is it possible that anyone could find the blaring cartoons, slamming doors and giggling games of hide and seek to be a blissful getaway from the everyday?
Well the answer according to my friend is a resounding yes, despite all the craziness, she finds our home comforting. Apparently, the fact that my kids adore her and come running when she enters the house, and the fact that she fits right into our family is enough to help her get past the extreme disquiet of our home. Huh.
So I guess the question of how situations can cause both comfort AND anxiety in different people is best answered by looking at the individual perspective. I think that our level of stress is lowered the more we are loved, and the more our emotional needs are met. That must be why at night when my kids are snuggled up next to me and we are reading a book, or when I hear the little voice spontaneously say “Mommy, I LOVE you” or when my son sees me at school and his face lights up, I don’t feel stress. Instead, I take a deep relaxing sigh and put down the fork, at least until the next rainy day when the bickering starts again.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Unattainable State of Super-Momhood
I wonder sometimes if anyone else shares my psychotic compulsion to be the Perfect Mom? Is it just my issue, or are there other Mom’s desperately trying to endear themselves to their children with ballet classes, lunchables and building block towers?
I was thinking, what does the Perfect Mother look like? Does she even exist? And why do we always feel like were less than stellar compared to other Mom’s on the playground? Or on the flip side, why do we judge the mothers we see if their parenting style differs from our own? Where do the evaluation requirements come from? Our own Mom’s? Mothers we have known in our lifetime? Television? How do we decide what we need to do to be a Great Mom?
When I was young (and knew everything), I based most of my decisions on what my mother did when I was young, or what I imagine she would have done in my shoes, then I would reactively choose opposite. I was convinced that this was the best way to handle each decision, everything from dressing my children to feeding them, and most specifically things like discipline and extra curricular activities. I also read every parenting magazine ever printed from the time I got married 10 years ago until…well…my subscriptions run out next fall.
I’ve come to the realization that as I mother I am always trying to be better than the mother I had and better than every mother who ever walked the earth and more often than not I fall short of my goal. No matter how many cookies I bake, books I read or how many hours I spend volunteering in the school; I still manage to forget gym clothes and popcorn day money, I still lose my temper when the children fight, and inevitably step on and crush the tiny polly pocket pieces. (although to be fair, they are usually strewn haphazardly all over the floor) And yet, my children still love me and they still manage to function (most of the time) in society with all the other children being raised by less-than-perfect mothers.
I think it’s time for Mom's to throw off the chains of unfulfilled expectations and leave the shackles of inadequacy imposed by child-rearing gurus everywhere! We are trying our hardest and we are doing the best we can with what we have been given; and no amount of peer pressure, academic rhetoric or playground discussion will dampen our spirits as we go about the business or raising our children to the best of our ability.
So, remember that next time you are running back to your child's school for the 3rd time in a day to deliver forgotton snow pants or milk money. Despite your feelings of failure and less-than-stellar performance as a mother, you are very likely a fantastic mother and your children probably don't realize that you aren't a super-hero...and even if they realize it today, they will love you just as much tomorrow.
I was thinking, what does the Perfect Mother look like? Does she even exist? And why do we always feel like were less than stellar compared to other Mom’s on the playground? Or on the flip side, why do we judge the mothers we see if their parenting style differs from our own? Where do the evaluation requirements come from? Our own Mom’s? Mothers we have known in our lifetime? Television? How do we decide what we need to do to be a Great Mom?
When I was young (and knew everything), I based most of my decisions on what my mother did when I was young, or what I imagine she would have done in my shoes, then I would reactively choose opposite. I was convinced that this was the best way to handle each decision, everything from dressing my children to feeding them, and most specifically things like discipline and extra curricular activities. I also read every parenting magazine ever printed from the time I got married 10 years ago until…well…my subscriptions run out next fall.
I’ve come to the realization that as I mother I am always trying to be better than the mother I had and better than every mother who ever walked the earth and more often than not I fall short of my goal. No matter how many cookies I bake, books I read or how many hours I spend volunteering in the school; I still manage to forget gym clothes and popcorn day money, I still lose my temper when the children fight, and inevitably step on and crush the tiny polly pocket pieces. (although to be fair, they are usually strewn haphazardly all over the floor) And yet, my children still love me and they still manage to function (most of the time) in society with all the other children being raised by less-than-perfect mothers.
I think it’s time for Mom's to throw off the chains of unfulfilled expectations and leave the shackles of inadequacy imposed by child-rearing gurus everywhere! We are trying our hardest and we are doing the best we can with what we have been given; and no amount of peer pressure, academic rhetoric or playground discussion will dampen our spirits as we go about the business or raising our children to the best of our ability.
So, remember that next time you are running back to your child's school for the 3rd time in a day to deliver forgotton snow pants or milk money. Despite your feelings of failure and less-than-stellar performance as a mother, you are very likely a fantastic mother and your children probably don't realize that you aren't a super-hero...and even if they realize it today, they will love you just as much tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Skipping Christmas
Here are some thoughts I put down in December and recently found in an unmarked file again….I considered them from a different perspective now, and still decided to post the piece. Hindsight is 20/20…
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------With the impending Christmas season upon us, we are quickly thrown into a frenzy of decorations, gingerbread houses, shopping and mailing Christmas cards. Every family has their own holiday traditions; perhaps attending church, a carol sing, baking shortbread, watching movies in bed, potluck dinners, volunteering in the community, wrapping presents, last minute shopping. Each tradition as unique as the family who carry them out; in my family we eat Chinese food every Christmas Eve without fail.
This year will be difficult for me with the loss of my Mother in the fall, and yet I find myself in an internal struggle between clinging to the Christmases of years gone by and a desire to skip Christmas altogether. No matter what our year has been like, when stores turn from black and orange to red and green, we are conditioned to start buying toys, plan parties and prepare for Christmas baking, and so we begin our annual march to the end of December.
What is it about the holidays and family traditions that keep us grounded no matter what life throws at us? Why do we find security in doing the things we’ve always done at this time of year? Every year since I was born I have woken up Christmas morning in my parents home and opened presents. Ten years ago, I married my husband and we have since had two children and still every year we go to my parents’ house on December 24 and spend 2 days carrying out all the familiar traditions that I have held so dear for so many years.
This year my husband and I have decided to take our children and go away for a couple of days, no turkey, no extended family and very few typical family traditions. So how can we maintain a semblance of our family’s tradition in the midst of family upheaval and a desire to escape a potentially painful holiday?
Well, we’ve bought the presents, and we’ll get a small tree to put in the hotel room. And my father is coming with us, so we’ll all wake up on Christmas morning and open our presents and have breakfast, remembering previous holidays and hoping for future Christmas mornings. Because the traditions that are so dear to us are not important b/c of outside influences, but rather b/c they help us remember how important quality family time is. Traditions remind us of all the wonderful times we have spent together and fortify us for the year to come as we travel through our often tumultuous lives.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now as I sit on the other side of Christmas I read the above musings and I realize that we did the right thing; we kept the traditions that we needed (quality time with my father, husband and children, phoning my-laws in South America, presents under the tree, leisurely breakfast etc) and we skipped the traditions that were less vital at least for this year (turkey dinner, pumpkin pie, Chinese food on Christmas eve)
It was the best Christmas we could have had under the circumstances and hopefully we have created some new traditions that will remind us of this year and help us as we find our way through the next year of our lives.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------With the impending Christmas season upon us, we are quickly thrown into a frenzy of decorations, gingerbread houses, shopping and mailing Christmas cards. Every family has their own holiday traditions; perhaps attending church, a carol sing, baking shortbread, watching movies in bed, potluck dinners, volunteering in the community, wrapping presents, last minute shopping. Each tradition as unique as the family who carry them out; in my family we eat Chinese food every Christmas Eve without fail.
This year will be difficult for me with the loss of my Mother in the fall, and yet I find myself in an internal struggle between clinging to the Christmases of years gone by and a desire to skip Christmas altogether. No matter what our year has been like, when stores turn from black and orange to red and green, we are conditioned to start buying toys, plan parties and prepare for Christmas baking, and so we begin our annual march to the end of December.
What is it about the holidays and family traditions that keep us grounded no matter what life throws at us? Why do we find security in doing the things we’ve always done at this time of year? Every year since I was born I have woken up Christmas morning in my parents home and opened presents. Ten years ago, I married my husband and we have since had two children and still every year we go to my parents’ house on December 24 and spend 2 days carrying out all the familiar traditions that I have held so dear for so many years.
This year my husband and I have decided to take our children and go away for a couple of days, no turkey, no extended family and very few typical family traditions. So how can we maintain a semblance of our family’s tradition in the midst of family upheaval and a desire to escape a potentially painful holiday?
Well, we’ve bought the presents, and we’ll get a small tree to put in the hotel room. And my father is coming with us, so we’ll all wake up on Christmas morning and open our presents and have breakfast, remembering previous holidays and hoping for future Christmas mornings. Because the traditions that are so dear to us are not important b/c of outside influences, but rather b/c they help us remember how important quality family time is. Traditions remind us of all the wonderful times we have spent together and fortify us for the year to come as we travel through our often tumultuous lives.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now as I sit on the other side of Christmas I read the above musings and I realize that we did the right thing; we kept the traditions that we needed (quality time with my father, husband and children, phoning my-laws in South America, presents under the tree, leisurely breakfast etc) and we skipped the traditions that were less vital at least for this year (turkey dinner, pumpkin pie, Chinese food on Christmas eve)
It was the best Christmas we could have had under the circumstances and hopefully we have created some new traditions that will remind us of this year and help us as we find our way through the next year of our lives.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Can you hear me now??
Sometimes I cringe at the sound of my own voice....I mean it, I really can't stand hearing the words that I speak again and again.
"It's time to brush your teeth and wash your face"
"Finish eating so we can get ready for school"
"Turn off the tv and get your shoes on"
"Get in the car and put your seatbelt on"
"Walk faster or you're going to be late"
"Stop dragging your backpack on the ground"
"Stop squeezing the dog"
"I said, pick the toys up off the floor!"
"If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME"
As each word flows from my mouth I am reminded of all the times I swore that I would never nag my kids and I would never repeat myself. Oh no, I was going to be the mother whose children listened the first time she said ANYTHING!
So what happened? Why is it that my children don't seem to hear my instructions? Why do I need to raise the volume to "yell" before I see results? Is it just me? Do other mothers find themselves rambling and repeating the same things every day? I wonder if it's a reflection of me as a person or of my mothering skills that my children are incapable of obeying my instructions.
Of course the truth is that many mothers have similar struggles, we just seem to be isolated in our moments of true craziness, because we are alone in our hallway trying to move our children mowards a timely exit. But, more than likely at that very instant there are hundreds of thousands of mothers in other locations hollering to their sleeping children that they "better get out of bed right now if they want breakfast", and probably just down the street a mother is reminding her child to put a clean shirt on and warning him to change his dirty socks before his feet stink permanently.
Just this afternoon, I heard a mother on the playground hollering out for her young son to stop playing and start walking with her to the car. I had to check myself for a minute because I could have sworn that the voice was my own. Although that same scenario plays out almost on a daily basis in that very playground, this time it really was another mother whose child shares the same name as my son.
I guess I'm not the only one after all....
"It's time to brush your teeth and wash your face"
"Finish eating so we can get ready for school"
"Turn off the tv and get your shoes on"
"Get in the car and put your seatbelt on"
"Walk faster or you're going to be late"
"Stop dragging your backpack on the ground"
"Stop squeezing the dog"
"I said, pick the toys up off the floor!"
"If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME"
As each word flows from my mouth I am reminded of all the times I swore that I would never nag my kids and I would never repeat myself. Oh no, I was going to be the mother whose children listened the first time she said ANYTHING!
So what happened? Why is it that my children don't seem to hear my instructions? Why do I need to raise the volume to "yell" before I see results? Is it just me? Do other mothers find themselves rambling and repeating the same things every day? I wonder if it's a reflection of me as a person or of my mothering skills that my children are incapable of obeying my instructions.
Of course the truth is that many mothers have similar struggles, we just seem to be isolated in our moments of true craziness, because we are alone in our hallway trying to move our children mowards a timely exit. But, more than likely at that very instant there are hundreds of thousands of mothers in other locations hollering to their sleeping children that they "better get out of bed right now if they want breakfast", and probably just down the street a mother is reminding her child to put a clean shirt on and warning him to change his dirty socks before his feet stink permanently.
Just this afternoon, I heard a mother on the playground hollering out for her young son to stop playing and start walking with her to the car. I had to check myself for a minute because I could have sworn that the voice was my own. Although that same scenario plays out almost on a daily basis in that very playground, this time it really was another mother whose child shares the same name as my son.
I guess I'm not the only one after all....
Friends for a Season
I was recently at a girl's night to celebrate the impending marriage of a friend of mine. The bride and have known each other since the 7th grade and although we have not stayed close all these years, I am grateful to still have her in my life. (one of the perks of online communication is the ability to re-discover old friends and keep in touch regardless of the distance or busyness of life)
The evening was full of fun and silliness that Mom's can only get away with when their children are safely tucked in at home with a babysitter. And it was really interesting to me to see the diverse friends that we are at this party, and all with the same desire to wish my friend all the best in her new life and help her enjoy every last minute of her single life before joining us (her married friends) on this side of life as a married woman.
Some of the girls at this get-together have known her much much longer than I have and some are newer friends. Her maid of honour has know her since birth, others since kindergarden, I knew her better in high school, some she has come to know through her fiance or her brother, some were related and others are work mates. My point is that the group was like a cross-section of the friendships built over time in the life of one woman.
It has caused me to think this week about all the friendships that have come and gone in my life. I have no friends from birth, other than family members, likely due to having moved homes and schools so much throughout my childhood. I have renewed a few friendships that I once held dear to my heart in my highschool years, I have so many new and wonderful friends that I am eternally grateful that God has brought into my life. But there are some empty spots, and having spent time with this group of friends last week reminded me that sometimes, people grow apart. Sometimes life gets in the way, jobs and new responsibilites widen the distance between us making it ever difficult to maintain close friendships.
But what is it that causes some friendships to stand the test of time, proximity and status in life? Why do some people come into our lives and become embedded into every corner of our hearts, and others will leave a deep impression but will not remain? Were the friendships that didn't last less meaningful? If we were really so close, how could we not keep the connection?
I have come to the decision that the popular internet anecdote is actually true. Some friends will stay for a lifetime, the friendship will grow and thrive no matter what life throws at us. And some friends will be there for only a season, it is a great friendship that meets both our needs for the time being and will have forever changed who we are at some level. But it is best not to try to force the friendship to continue to mean the same thing to both parties.
I have a friend struggling with letting go of her "friend for a season", she knows that they are not in a place where they can ever be the kind of friends that they used to be. The temptation to push the relationship into the familiar box is very real, but the fact is, that the best way to pay tribute to a good friendship is to let it go when the time comes. It is best in order to avoid hurt feelings, unfulfilled expectations and the loss of all the wonderful memories.
So I think back over my friends, both old and new, and I treasure the memories we've had and feel joy at the blessing they were in my life as long as they were there. Some friends I will touch base with only for the major life events, weddings, births, funerals etc and I can be happy for them in their happiness and allow the strength of a remembered closeness to be enough. While some friends, like the one getting married, I will re-connect with and become closer than ever before (kind of like finding a whole new friend) after we have grown and matured in our individual lives. And some friends I look back fondly on, and know that we had a great time together, know that I am probably a better person for having known them and wish them well in all their relationships.
And I will most definitely being holding my newer friends close, cultivating the relationships in order to maintain them as Lifetime Friends!
The evening was full of fun and silliness that Mom's can only get away with when their children are safely tucked in at home with a babysitter. And it was really interesting to me to see the diverse friends that we are at this party, and all with the same desire to wish my friend all the best in her new life and help her enjoy every last minute of her single life before joining us (her married friends) on this side of life as a married woman.
Some of the girls at this get-together have known her much much longer than I have and some are newer friends. Her maid of honour has know her since birth, others since kindergarden, I knew her better in high school, some she has come to know through her fiance or her brother, some were related and others are work mates. My point is that the group was like a cross-section of the friendships built over time in the life of one woman.
It has caused me to think this week about all the friendships that have come and gone in my life. I have no friends from birth, other than family members, likely due to having moved homes and schools so much throughout my childhood. I have renewed a few friendships that I once held dear to my heart in my highschool years, I have so many new and wonderful friends that I am eternally grateful that God has brought into my life. But there are some empty spots, and having spent time with this group of friends last week reminded me that sometimes, people grow apart. Sometimes life gets in the way, jobs and new responsibilites widen the distance between us making it ever difficult to maintain close friendships.
But what is it that causes some friendships to stand the test of time, proximity and status in life? Why do some people come into our lives and become embedded into every corner of our hearts, and others will leave a deep impression but will not remain? Were the friendships that didn't last less meaningful? If we were really so close, how could we not keep the connection?
I have come to the decision that the popular internet anecdote is actually true. Some friends will stay for a lifetime, the friendship will grow and thrive no matter what life throws at us. And some friends will be there for only a season, it is a great friendship that meets both our needs for the time being and will have forever changed who we are at some level. But it is best not to try to force the friendship to continue to mean the same thing to both parties.
I have a friend struggling with letting go of her "friend for a season", she knows that they are not in a place where they can ever be the kind of friends that they used to be. The temptation to push the relationship into the familiar box is very real, but the fact is, that the best way to pay tribute to a good friendship is to let it go when the time comes. It is best in order to avoid hurt feelings, unfulfilled expectations and the loss of all the wonderful memories.
So I think back over my friends, both old and new, and I treasure the memories we've had and feel joy at the blessing they were in my life as long as they were there. Some friends I will touch base with only for the major life events, weddings, births, funerals etc and I can be happy for them in their happiness and allow the strength of a remembered closeness to be enough. While some friends, like the one getting married, I will re-connect with and become closer than ever before (kind of like finding a whole new friend) after we have grown and matured in our individual lives. And some friends I look back fondly on, and know that we had a great time together, know that I am probably a better person for having known them and wish them well in all their relationships.
And I will most definitely being holding my newer friends close, cultivating the relationships in order to maintain them as Lifetime Friends!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Sibling Perspective
As an only child I find dealing with my two children quite eye opening and sometimes very frustrating. When you are an only child you don't have to compete for Mom and Dad's attention, you don't have to share the toys and when it comes time to pick the cartoons to watch, yours is the only opinion that matters.
So now I have two children ages 6 and 3, and there seems to be a battle over every little detail of every aspect of our family life. Why is that? Why is it that two children can sit in the same room, having agreed on a movie to wacth; each with a chair, each with a snack, each with a drink and somehow, when Mommy leaves the room it sounds like 2 cats have been thrown in a bathtub!
I understand that there are personality differences, and differing communication styles. I realize that they can get on each others nerves, I mean they often get on MY nerves, but what is it about siblings that keeps them from letting things roll off their backs or simply walking away?
And why do they NEED to make that specific face, or use that inflammatory adjective designed to elicit the biggest reaction? Why the perverse pleasure in pushing their siblings buttons on a daily basis?
And yet as I hear myself ask these questions in the midst of a brother/sister throw down, I am reminded that grown ups often have the same problem in relationships. We often have emotional buttons that specific people push in specific situations, comments that seem innocuous to the untrained ear, but send us quickly into an emotional meltdown or at least into battle mode.
My husband (a middle child of three) is much better at letting things "roll off his back", ironically his name means "duck" in spanish, perhaps that is why the annoyances and difficulties of relationships don't seem to penetrate his thick shell. In any case, he is forever telling me to let things go or not to get so upset by small offenses, whether real or perceived.
I often wish that I could put his suggestions into practice and somehow become impervious to the button pushing of the more difficult people and situations that I inevitably face on a daily basis. Although I am often unsuccessful, I make a real effort to teach that character trait to my children, as it is an invaluable lesson for them to learn for life and certainly for a peaceful existence with each other.
Unfortunately until I can cultivate that kind of tolerance and self control in my children I have to stop writing to go mediate the screaming match about who's turn it is to pick the movie and settle the dispute over whether they watched 12 Dancing Princesses or Transformers the last time. Or maybe, instead of deciding who's right or wrong, I could just convince them to compromise and watch Kung Fu Panda...then I win!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
...Joy Comes in the Morning..
Franz Schubert once said, "No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by". As this thought is cynical on the surface, one's inclination is to completely dismiss his opinion as uncaring and innaccurate; however, I think it has more truth than most people would like to believe.
I recently lost my Mother sudddenly and have been on this ridiculous journey referred to as the "grieving process" which of course is unpredictable and unique to each person. There are several people in my life who have been a tremendous comfort to me during this difficult time; some for the closeness of our relationships, some for their own experience with personal loss and some for the education or training that has enabled them to help me at through my various emotional states.
My best friend also lost her mother several years ago and having been through that with her as her friend I have learned to trust her judgement and take her advice on coping, dealing, ignoring and managing. I trust her, both because I know that she loves me and also because she has been there. Not exactly the same place as I am because each loss is felt differently by every person, but she has come through the terrible experience of losing the woman who gave her life and she speaks from a place of understanding. And yet, there are things that my closest friend cannot feel for me, or rationalize for me. There are dynamics to my loss that no one can interpret or walk me through, burdens that no one in my life can carry for me.
My mind turns to friends that I have endeavoured to "help" through their difficult times, some who have lost a beautiful small child, or a sibling, some who have suffered the pain of misscarraige as I have and some who are experiencing problems in their personal lives and relationships. There is this desire to tell people that we understand their pain, we know what they are feeling and can tell them what to do to "get through it" unscathed.
The truth is, we don't know. We can never know. All we can do is stand by one another and walk with them as they cross the tumultuous river and help them dry off on the other side. I am grateful for those in my life who have been my voice when I couldn't express my needs, for those who have held me up when I couldn't ask for support. I am thankful that God has seen fit to use their experiences, although often difficult, to make them stronger...strong enough to help me.
The truth is Schubert was accurate in half of his statement, people cannot truly feel another's grief, but true friends...Heaven-sent friends will not simply pass us by. Rather they will stop, hold our hand and continue the journey with us, if for no other reason than because we just might need a shoulder to cry on or someone to be there when the cloud of grief passes and the joy sets in again. Because as God promises in Psalm 30:5 "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
I recently lost my Mother sudddenly and have been on this ridiculous journey referred to as the "grieving process" which of course is unpredictable and unique to each person. There are several people in my life who have been a tremendous comfort to me during this difficult time; some for the closeness of our relationships, some for their own experience with personal loss and some for the education or training that has enabled them to help me at through my various emotional states.
My best friend also lost her mother several years ago and having been through that with her as her friend I have learned to trust her judgement and take her advice on coping, dealing, ignoring and managing. I trust her, both because I know that she loves me and also because she has been there. Not exactly the same place as I am because each loss is felt differently by every person, but she has come through the terrible experience of losing the woman who gave her life and she speaks from a place of understanding. And yet, there are things that my closest friend cannot feel for me, or rationalize for me. There are dynamics to my loss that no one can interpret or walk me through, burdens that no one in my life can carry for me.
My mind turns to friends that I have endeavoured to "help" through their difficult times, some who have lost a beautiful small child, or a sibling, some who have suffered the pain of misscarraige as I have and some who are experiencing problems in their personal lives and relationships. There is this desire to tell people that we understand their pain, we know what they are feeling and can tell them what to do to "get through it" unscathed.
The truth is, we don't know. We can never know. All we can do is stand by one another and walk with them as they cross the tumultuous river and help them dry off on the other side. I am grateful for those in my life who have been my voice when I couldn't express my needs, for those who have held me up when I couldn't ask for support. I am thankful that God has seen fit to use their experiences, although often difficult, to make them stronger...strong enough to help me.
The truth is Schubert was accurate in half of his statement, people cannot truly feel another's grief, but true friends...Heaven-sent friends will not simply pass us by. Rather they will stop, hold our hand and continue the journey with us, if for no other reason than because we just might need a shoulder to cry on or someone to be there when the cloud of grief passes and the joy sets in again. Because as God promises in Psalm 30:5 "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
Saturday, January 3, 2009
"Too Much Stuff"
So we’ve just finished with the Christmas season and that means that it’s now that special time of year…the time for purging! In our house, every year we receive new toys, books, gifts, clothes etc. and that means we can throw out or give away some of the things that have been accumulating for the last year in our closets, cupboards and drawers.
Although I am a bit of a pack-rat and am organizationally challenged, I have married a very orderly man who has a knack for shelf-building and loves to throw things out. So he has spent the last 2 weeks cleaning out the closets, building more shelves into them and purging all the things we no longer need or want to make room for our new items. Our home takes on a general cleaner, neater feeling, and I am grateful for his special skill in this area.
Inevitably this time of year stimulates discussion regarding how many toys the children have and whether or not we are spoiling them with too much “stuff”. The truth is they probably have too much stuff and they are more blessed than many, many children around the world. That is why we try to teach them the virtues of gratitude and thankfulness and take measures to instil in them the value of hard work and saving their money for things that they would like.
I have never understood the concept of giving children an “allowance”, what are we allowing them to do? How does giving them money each week just for being our children teach them anything about life in the real world? I also don’t believe that children should be paid to do all manner of chores and jobs around the house. I think that living together under one roof and being a productive part of the family involves participating (willingly) in things like, setting the dinner table and clearing the dishes, picking up toys and books, keeping their rooms neat and tidy, helping to carry in the groceries etc. In our family my son has been learning that we all share the responsibility to keep our home neat and to help us out where needed to achieve that, it’s about teamwork and loving each other by helping whether the task pertains to us personally or not.
On the other hand, there is a specific list containing tasks for which he is paid a small sum of money each week if he consistently completes the jobs without complaining or the need for Mom’s coercion. Things like picking up after the dog, feeding and walking the dog, handling the recycling chore etc… these are jobs that my son completes and in return is paid $5.00 a week. His paycheque is the money he has earned for doing a pre-determined list of jobs. We hope that he will learn the value of hard work, and also learn that by setting and reaching a goal he can earn the money he wants to buy his own wish list. The lesson being that the harder he works the easier it is to reach his financial goals, and hopefully he will learn that he should not take anything he has for granted.
The world we live in now is so focussed on material things and driven by consumerism that it can be difficult to raise grounded humble children in spite of the incredible affluence around us. But I believe it is vitally important for the next generation to build a good work ethic and not grow up with a sense of entitlement or greed.
Although I am a bit of a pack-rat and am organizationally challenged, I have married a very orderly man who has a knack for shelf-building and loves to throw things out. So he has spent the last 2 weeks cleaning out the closets, building more shelves into them and purging all the things we no longer need or want to make room for our new items. Our home takes on a general cleaner, neater feeling, and I am grateful for his special skill in this area.
Inevitably this time of year stimulates discussion regarding how many toys the children have and whether or not we are spoiling them with too much “stuff”. The truth is they probably have too much stuff and they are more blessed than many, many children around the world. That is why we try to teach them the virtues of gratitude and thankfulness and take measures to instil in them the value of hard work and saving their money for things that they would like.
I have never understood the concept of giving children an “allowance”, what are we allowing them to do? How does giving them money each week just for being our children teach them anything about life in the real world? I also don’t believe that children should be paid to do all manner of chores and jobs around the house. I think that living together under one roof and being a productive part of the family involves participating (willingly) in things like, setting the dinner table and clearing the dishes, picking up toys and books, keeping their rooms neat and tidy, helping to carry in the groceries etc. In our family my son has been learning that we all share the responsibility to keep our home neat and to help us out where needed to achieve that, it’s about teamwork and loving each other by helping whether the task pertains to us personally or not.
On the other hand, there is a specific list containing tasks for which he is paid a small sum of money each week if he consistently completes the jobs without complaining or the need for Mom’s coercion. Things like picking up after the dog, feeding and walking the dog, handling the recycling chore etc… these are jobs that my son completes and in return is paid $5.00 a week. His paycheque is the money he has earned for doing a pre-determined list of jobs. We hope that he will learn the value of hard work, and also learn that by setting and reaching a goal he can earn the money he wants to buy his own wish list. The lesson being that the harder he works the easier it is to reach his financial goals, and hopefully he will learn that he should not take anything he has for granted.
The world we live in now is so focussed on material things and driven by consumerism that it can be difficult to raise grounded humble children in spite of the incredible affluence around us. But I believe it is vitally important for the next generation to build a good work ethic and not grow up with a sense of entitlement or greed.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Loving our Children Equally
“But Daddy, you should love me more because I was born first!” The logic of a six year old who was trying to cajole his father into choosing to give him more treats than his little sister. But still I heard the words and it got me thinking…do we really love our children equally? What are the criteria we feel in our hearts for loving other people? Of course we love all of our children and the correct thing to say is that we love them all the same amount, but parents are humans too and we are inevitably affected by the actions and behaviour of others.
When we have some children who are easy going and play quietly without disruption and others who are so desperately in need of our undivided attention; one child who will obey without question and one who must challenge every instruction and buck every rule, how can we genuinely feel the same level of love in our less than perfect hearts?
The truth is it’s not the same, but it is just as deep, because there’s something wonderful about the way we are designed to love others. We have been created with the capacity to forget the events of a particularly bad day and love our offspring all the more deeply for having worked so hard to care for them. Sometimes the very people that put us to the test on a daily basis create such intense emotion within us.
Think of a meal, we can buy a pizza and a bag of salad, serve it on paper plates with cans of pop and it will hit the spot with no complaint from our families. However, what about spending some time in the kitchen, preparing the meat, peeling potatoes, rolling the bread dough, sautéing fresh veggies, and baking a lovely cheesecake from scratch? After spending so much time and energy in the kitchen lovingly preparing a wonderful meal, don’t we enjoy it that much more? Similarly when we take the time to personally design the look of our home, search out every individual piece of furniture and decorative piece, coordinate the colour palette and renovate room by room according to our budget; what a wonderfully fulfilling achievement to stand back and enjoy the fruits of our labour. It’s just not as gratifying to hire a decorator to get it done in a week.
I believe it’s the same with our children, if they were too easy and low maintenance, we just might take them for granted, not really appreciate them for the complex and unique creatures that they are. Each individual child has the ability to drive us crazy in their own special way and yet there are those moments when they unexpectedly crawl up into our lap to cuddle and we forget everything wrong they’ve ever done. And when that little voice cries out in the night “Mommy I need you, I feel sick” we don’t even remember their temper tantrums or cheeky back talk, we would wade through an alligator-ridden swamp just to hold them close.
When we have some children who are easy going and play quietly without disruption and others who are so desperately in need of our undivided attention; one child who will obey without question and one who must challenge every instruction and buck every rule, how can we genuinely feel the same level of love in our less than perfect hearts?
The truth is it’s not the same, but it is just as deep, because there’s something wonderful about the way we are designed to love others. We have been created with the capacity to forget the events of a particularly bad day and love our offspring all the more deeply for having worked so hard to care for them. Sometimes the very people that put us to the test on a daily basis create such intense emotion within us.
Think of a meal, we can buy a pizza and a bag of salad, serve it on paper plates with cans of pop and it will hit the spot with no complaint from our families. However, what about spending some time in the kitchen, preparing the meat, peeling potatoes, rolling the bread dough, sautéing fresh veggies, and baking a lovely cheesecake from scratch? After spending so much time and energy in the kitchen lovingly preparing a wonderful meal, don’t we enjoy it that much more? Similarly when we take the time to personally design the look of our home, search out every individual piece of furniture and decorative piece, coordinate the colour palette and renovate room by room according to our budget; what a wonderfully fulfilling achievement to stand back and enjoy the fruits of our labour. It’s just not as gratifying to hire a decorator to get it done in a week.
I believe it’s the same with our children, if they were too easy and low maintenance, we just might take them for granted, not really appreciate them for the complex and unique creatures that they are. Each individual child has the ability to drive us crazy in their own special way and yet there are those moments when they unexpectedly crawl up into our lap to cuddle and we forget everything wrong they’ve ever done. And when that little voice cries out in the night “Mommy I need you, I feel sick” we don’t even remember their temper tantrums or cheeky back talk, we would wade through an alligator-ridden swamp just to hold them close.
Monday, December 29, 2008
When You Ask Me
When you ask me “How are you?”
Do you really want to know?
Can I really answer “Not that good, I’m feeling kind of low”?
When you say “How are you coping?”
Do you have the time to hear?
Is it ok to say “Not that well, and shed a quiet tear”?
When you ask me “Do you miss her”?
How can I answer that?
Is it ok to simply say “I wish I had her back”?
When you ask me “What can I do?”
Do you really mean it?
What if I say “I need a friend to just come and sit”?
When you ask me “How is your family?”
What can I say to answer?
The truth is there’s a great big hole, no one can replace her.
When you ask me “Will you make it?”
My response is “Sure, I will”
“God is my source of strength and He is with me still.”
Do you really want to know?
Can I really answer “Not that good, I’m feeling kind of low”?
When you say “How are you coping?”
Do you have the time to hear?
Is it ok to say “Not that well, and shed a quiet tear”?
When you ask me “Do you miss her”?
How can I answer that?
Is it ok to simply say “I wish I had her back”?
When you ask me “What can I do?”
Do you really mean it?
What if I say “I need a friend to just come and sit”?
When you ask me “How is your family?”
What can I say to answer?
The truth is there’s a great big hole, no one can replace her.
When you ask me “Will you make it?”
My response is “Sure, I will”
“God is my source of strength and He is with me still.”
Saturday, December 27, 2008
It Takes a Village
It has been said that “It takes a village to raise a child”, I was thinking about this on my way to the dedication/baptism of a friends 2 month old baby girl. I considered the role that we play in the lives of children other than our own. How difficult it is to raise children in this world and how important it is to have people close to us who not only love our children but also stand along side us when we make the tough decisions and help us when things go wrong. That same weekend our godson turned one year old and I was remembering his dedication ceremony when we stood alongside his parents and promised to help them raise him to fear the Lord and be a constant presence in his life.
Our children have a wonderful godmother, who although she has no children of her own, has loved mine since they were born and promised to take them and raise them in the event that anything should happen to my husband and me. What a tremendous relief to know that our children will be cared for after we are gone. Every parent worries that they will die before their little one’s are old enough to manage alone, who will watch over them at the park? Make sure that they have healthy eating habits? Help them with their homework? Teach them about dating and saving for their first car? What if we don’t have enough time to help them grow into confident adults? Will they have successful relationships and find the right career?
The truth is, we have no control of how long we will be with our children, we therefore have to make use of the time we have. Spend time with them and pour our experience and knowledge into them in order to give them all the information they might need to make those decisions later in life. It is also very important to surround our children with good adult role models to help pick up where we leave off. If it does in fact take a village to raise our children, we need to ensure that they have access to lots of reliable help. That means, friends, family, church, neighbours whoever is in your life that love your children and desire the best for them. It’s the only way to ensure that they are well cared for later on.
Our children have a wonderful godmother, who although she has no children of her own, has loved mine since they were born and promised to take them and raise them in the event that anything should happen to my husband and me. What a tremendous relief to know that our children will be cared for after we are gone. Every parent worries that they will die before their little one’s are old enough to manage alone, who will watch over them at the park? Make sure that they have healthy eating habits? Help them with their homework? Teach them about dating and saving for their first car? What if we don’t have enough time to help them grow into confident adults? Will they have successful relationships and find the right career?
The truth is, we have no control of how long we will be with our children, we therefore have to make use of the time we have. Spend time with them and pour our experience and knowledge into them in order to give them all the information they might need to make those decisions later in life. It is also very important to surround our children with good adult role models to help pick up where we leave off. If it does in fact take a village to raise our children, we need to ensure that they have access to lots of reliable help. That means, friends, family, church, neighbours whoever is in your life that love your children and desire the best for them. It’s the only way to ensure that they are well cared for later on.
Underwear As Outerwear
Droopy pants, bra straps, messy layers, ripped jeans, shades of black, cheeky slogans, light up shoes, mismatched retro, underwear worn as outerwear…
There’s something unique about every generations choice of clothing style. As I search through the racks for a suitable pair of pants for my 6 year old, he emphatically reminds me that they must be “cool clothes”… nothing “uncool” will be accepted.
So what exactly does “cool” look like? How will I know? What is the difference between 6 year old cool and 30+ year old cool?
I distinctly remember explaining to my Mother why I needed a large package of safety pins to pin my pant legs from ankle to knee, or shopping for the perfect panty hose to wear under my cut off jean shorts. I cringe when I think of the army boots I bought from the surplus store to wear with black tights and a short skirt. I’m sure it seems odd to the youth of today, but I promise you, there was a time when that defined “cool”.
So why do children cave to the pressure? Do they really think that it looks good, or do they just want to fit in with their peers as the sociologists would tell us? And when will a generation come along that chooses a style less ridiculous than their parents generation? Will we ever look to our youth and see the logic of their style choices? Or is that part of aging, the loss of all fashion sense?
Well I’m not sure but I can tell you, I will never be caught walking down the street with my underwear on the outside of my outfit…call me crazy!
There’s something unique about every generations choice of clothing style. As I search through the racks for a suitable pair of pants for my 6 year old, he emphatically reminds me that they must be “cool clothes”… nothing “uncool” will be accepted.
So what exactly does “cool” look like? How will I know? What is the difference between 6 year old cool and 30+ year old cool?
I distinctly remember explaining to my Mother why I needed a large package of safety pins to pin my pant legs from ankle to knee, or shopping for the perfect panty hose to wear under my cut off jean shorts. I cringe when I think of the army boots I bought from the surplus store to wear with black tights and a short skirt. I’m sure it seems odd to the youth of today, but I promise you, there was a time when that defined “cool”.
So why do children cave to the pressure? Do they really think that it looks good, or do they just want to fit in with their peers as the sociologists would tell us? And when will a generation come along that chooses a style less ridiculous than their parents generation? Will we ever look to our youth and see the logic of their style choices? Or is that part of aging, the loss of all fashion sense?
Well I’m not sure but I can tell you, I will never be caught walking down the street with my underwear on the outside of my outfit…call me crazy!
When Mom Gets Sick
In the life of a mother there just never seems to be enough hours in the day for all the responsibilities associated with the title “Mom”. How could 24 hours be enough time for groceries, banking, entertaining the children, homework, supervising chores, tidying the house, meals, dishes, bath time, night-time, laundry…the list is endless!
Somehow, we manage not only to do all those things for our families, but if we’re lucky we find the time for ourselves. And then the unthinkable happens…Mom gets sick!
Although most people rest when they are sick, it is more difficult for Moms. There is no resting when you are a mother. Although Dad and Grandma will lend a hand, there’s just no substitute. The house often doesn’t run properly if Mom isn’t at the helm.
So as I sit here on my sofa on week 2 of my bout with pneumonia, contemplating what to make for dinner and why there’s so much laundry to do, I realize that something has to give. My long “to-do” list will not get done today. I only have so much energy so I have no choice but to prioritize my day. What absolutely MUST get done, what SHOULD get done, and what jobs can I leave until tomorrow or later in the week?
So, the childen will get lunch, I will read books with my son for homework and I will snuggle with my daughter before naptime because the laundry can wait until tomorrow.
Somehow, we manage not only to do all those things for our families, but if we’re lucky we find the time for ourselves. And then the unthinkable happens…Mom gets sick!
Although most people rest when they are sick, it is more difficult for Moms. There is no resting when you are a mother. Although Dad and Grandma will lend a hand, there’s just no substitute. The house often doesn’t run properly if Mom isn’t at the helm.
So as I sit here on my sofa on week 2 of my bout with pneumonia, contemplating what to make for dinner and why there’s so much laundry to do, I realize that something has to give. My long “to-do” list will not get done today. I only have so much energy so I have no choice but to prioritize my day. What absolutely MUST get done, what SHOULD get done, and what jobs can I leave until tomorrow or later in the week?
So, the childen will get lunch, I will read books with my son for homework and I will snuggle with my daughter before naptime because the laundry can wait until tomorrow.
Getting Back to Nature
This past summer, my husband and I took our children camping in an attempt to spend an adventurous, exciting 3 days getting back to nature, enjoying the beautiful beach and making s’mores on a campfire; while at the same time, teaching our children to appreciate the simple beauty of creation. Well, that was the plan.
As I lay in the tent listening to the rain pouring down around me wondering if the tent fly would indeed keep the water off our pillows, I couldn’t help making a mental list of all the things we were supposed to be doing on our fun family weekend. I wasn’t supposed to be drying clothes by the fire or stringing tarps up in the trees to keep the children dry. What about the nature walks and swimming at the beach? What about the sunny stroll through the tourist traps eating funnel cake with ice cream? What a miserable failure this vacation had turned out to be!
But as I listened to my 2 year old squeal with delight to the loud droplets of rain on the makeshift shelter and watched my son searching for worms to put in his bug basket for further examination, I realized that this is exactly what people mean when they say they want to “get back to nature”.
After all, this is what we wanted right? To get away from the high-tech hustle and bustle of everyday, to sit and do nothing, nowhere to go, nothing to do but warm our camping chairs, drink a cup of coffee and take in the harmonious sounds of nature all around us.
With our electronic-video game-online shopping-drive thru-paper cup-lifestyle; I realized that I’d almost missed the opportunity to watch trees sway as they buffered the rain above us causing the heavy downpour to fall lightly all around us. I’d been so busy complaining about a small furry friend stealing our hotdog buns in the night that I had almost missed the magical brush with wildlife which was so exciting to my 5 year old son as he followed clues to which animal might have left the muddy paw prints on our picnic table.
Canada has so much to offer in the way of simple elegance and raw beauty that if we just take some time away from executing the perfectly planned high-tech outdoor vacation, that actually insulates us from the outdoors; and take a few moments to appreciate the earth in all her rainy, muddy, bug-filled, creature crawly splendor, we’ll find the true beauty of the world around us.
So I have a suggestion for the next time you decide to “get back to nature”, leave the laptop and mp3 player at home, pack the bare essentials and find a nice conservation area to pitch a tent for a couple of days. Park yourself in the middle of a forest or beside a waterfall and spend some time doing nothing but breathing in the essence of nature and carefully allowing yourself to become a part of all it’s beauty. You won’t regret the time you spend with your family exploring the earth and all that it has to offer. Just don’t forget to pick up your trash and safely put out the campfire before you leave, because there’s a generation to come who will want to follow in your footsteps.
As I lay in the tent listening to the rain pouring down around me wondering if the tent fly would indeed keep the water off our pillows, I couldn’t help making a mental list of all the things we were supposed to be doing on our fun family weekend. I wasn’t supposed to be drying clothes by the fire or stringing tarps up in the trees to keep the children dry. What about the nature walks and swimming at the beach? What about the sunny stroll through the tourist traps eating funnel cake with ice cream? What a miserable failure this vacation had turned out to be!
But as I listened to my 2 year old squeal with delight to the loud droplets of rain on the makeshift shelter and watched my son searching for worms to put in his bug basket for further examination, I realized that this is exactly what people mean when they say they want to “get back to nature”.
After all, this is what we wanted right? To get away from the high-tech hustle and bustle of everyday, to sit and do nothing, nowhere to go, nothing to do but warm our camping chairs, drink a cup of coffee and take in the harmonious sounds of nature all around us.
With our electronic-video game-online shopping-drive thru-paper cup-lifestyle; I realized that I’d almost missed the opportunity to watch trees sway as they buffered the rain above us causing the heavy downpour to fall lightly all around us. I’d been so busy complaining about a small furry friend stealing our hotdog buns in the night that I had almost missed the magical brush with wildlife which was so exciting to my 5 year old son as he followed clues to which animal might have left the muddy paw prints on our picnic table.
Canada has so much to offer in the way of simple elegance and raw beauty that if we just take some time away from executing the perfectly planned high-tech outdoor vacation, that actually insulates us from the outdoors; and take a few moments to appreciate the earth in all her rainy, muddy, bug-filled, creature crawly splendor, we’ll find the true beauty of the world around us.
So I have a suggestion for the next time you decide to “get back to nature”, leave the laptop and mp3 player at home, pack the bare essentials and find a nice conservation area to pitch a tent for a couple of days. Park yourself in the middle of a forest or beside a waterfall and spend some time doing nothing but breathing in the essence of nature and carefully allowing yourself to become a part of all it’s beauty. You won’t regret the time you spend with your family exploring the earth and all that it has to offer. Just don’t forget to pick up your trash and safely put out the campfire before you leave, because there’s a generation to come who will want to follow in your footsteps.
Grade One
It strikes me as I am wading through the piles of brightly coloured lunch boxes and backpacks of various shapes and sizes, looking for the perfect back-to-school paraphernalia; that before I know it, my firstborn will be heading off into the world. He will leave for grade one with little thought to his teary-eyed mother, who will no doubt spend the entire day wallowing in the fading memories of every milestone he has surpassed thus far in his short yet energetic life.
Which new phase has troubled me the most? It's hard to say, maybe when he gave up nursing or didn't need any help holding the bottle of milk. Perhaps it was the day he started crawling and crossed the room and quickly ripped all the leaves off my tropical plant was the hardest. Then there was his first day of nursery school when he only cried for a few minutes and then quickly adapted to the sights and sounds of the daycare environment.
It's hard to say which milestone was the most difficult for Mommy, although I distinctly remember the pain of putting away his tiny running shoes and crib and buying sippy cups and a convertible carseat. Has it been 6 years since I counted his fingers and toes in the delivery room? How did the minutes turn into weeks and years without my noticing? How will I make it through the next 12 years before he goes to college? Am I the only one who feels like the next decade is a runaway train and I'm barely hanging on? Does anyone else burst into tears while viewing phone commercials involving college students leaving home?
So between 8:30am and 3:00pm between Monday to Friday I will be a mother of one again...wondering if he's ok; are the other kids being nice to him? Is he eating his lunch? Is he having fun? Does he miss staying home with Mommy? Has he learned any bad words today? Is the teacher compassionate, does she understand his quirky nature? Will he learn to love reading? Have we done a good job preparing him for this time in his life? What have we forgotten to teach him? Will he be forever damaged because he can read a book but can't really tell time proficiently?
I realize that I am over-reacting, and surely I'm not the first mother to see grade one as the beginning of the end. My rational side says there are a million more milestones on the horizon that will be equally exciting and emotional for us both. The school age years will blend into the teeny-bopper phase and then the tumultuous teens, which I'm told is more painful and rewarding than any valley I have passed through thus far.
And so I reach up and pluck a Batman lunch box off the shelf and put it into a Spiderman backpack and head to the grocery section for a box of fruit-by-the-foot, because after all...he's only six and it's only grade one.
Which new phase has troubled me the most? It's hard to say, maybe when he gave up nursing or didn't need any help holding the bottle of milk. Perhaps it was the day he started crawling and crossed the room and quickly ripped all the leaves off my tropical plant was the hardest. Then there was his first day of nursery school when he only cried for a few minutes and then quickly adapted to the sights and sounds of the daycare environment.
It's hard to say which milestone was the most difficult for Mommy, although I distinctly remember the pain of putting away his tiny running shoes and crib and buying sippy cups and a convertible carseat. Has it been 6 years since I counted his fingers and toes in the delivery room? How did the minutes turn into weeks and years without my noticing? How will I make it through the next 12 years before he goes to college? Am I the only one who feels like the next decade is a runaway train and I'm barely hanging on? Does anyone else burst into tears while viewing phone commercials involving college students leaving home?
So between 8:30am and 3:00pm between Monday to Friday I will be a mother of one again...wondering if he's ok; are the other kids being nice to him? Is he eating his lunch? Is he having fun? Does he miss staying home with Mommy? Has he learned any bad words today? Is the teacher compassionate, does she understand his quirky nature? Will he learn to love reading? Have we done a good job preparing him for this time in his life? What have we forgotten to teach him? Will he be forever damaged because he can read a book but can't really tell time proficiently?
I realize that I am over-reacting, and surely I'm not the first mother to see grade one as the beginning of the end. My rational side says there are a million more milestones on the horizon that will be equally exciting and emotional for us both. The school age years will blend into the teeny-bopper phase and then the tumultuous teens, which I'm told is more painful and rewarding than any valley I have passed through thus far.
And so I reach up and pluck a Batman lunch box off the shelf and put it into a Spiderman backpack and head to the grocery section for a box of fruit-by-the-foot, because after all...he's only six and it's only grade one.
Mother's Day
This past Mother’s Day, after the day at an amusement park, my husband and two small children took me out for dinner to celebrate. Despite my exhausted and longing for home, we went to a nearby restaurant to have a “real family meal”, as I try to never discourage thoughtful gestures.
After asking for a booth as far away from the other diners as possible “just in case” the children were loud, as children aged 2 and 5 tend to be, we settled in and began to examine the menu. Normally we try to pick food that can be eaten quickly and will taste good when re-heated in the event that we need to cut the evening short and get the children home. This time, we thought the children would be calm and accommodating since we had just spent a fortune on season’s passes and I had sacrificed my Mother’s Day to do something geared to the children. As is common with children, the depth of my “sacrifice” went unnoticed and the children did what children do and I quickly remembered why we usually go to a restaurant with a playground. Simply stated, chaos ensued.
Somewhere between picking my daughters socks up off the floor and reminding my son for the 10th time that he can’t eat his dinner underneath the table, I noticed an older couple at the table beside us. Normally I try to avoid eye contact when my children are being difficult because you never know if people are looking at you with pity or understanding because they empathize with the plight of a mother with small children in public. In any case this time I looked and what I saw surprised me greatly, the older gentleman had a huge smile on his face and the lady holding his hand across the table had tears in her eyes as she too smiled at the scene unfolding at our table.
Now it is not uncommon for tears to be present in this situation, but they are usually mine, so it was very interesting to me that a total stranger was staring, as my children took turns throwing forks at each other and touching the head of the man seated in the adjoining booth. I smiled and shrugged at the woman hoping that she would not judge me based on the behaviour of two children hopped up on sugar awake past their bedtime. She leaned over to me then and said the most surprising thing, she said “this is the best time of your life as a mother; enjoy them now while you can, even when they frustrate you, I wish I could go back!”
To be fair I have heard many a mother of grown children tell me that they wish they had enjoyed their kids more when they were small, but something in the face of this older mother struck me and inspired me to listen further to her sage advice. Maybe it was the tears, maybe it was the way her husband lovingly clutched her hand in a sort of honouring way, I’m not sure but I knew she was worth listening to and so I did.
She went on to say that her children were all grown up and they had children of their own now, and she advised them the same, to enjoy the craziness and the difficult behaviour of their young treasures. This woman had received that advice a long time ago and had tried her best to do so the entire time they were raising their children, holding tightly to those cherished memories now that the nest was empty and memories are vital.
As our meal arrived, I thanked the woman for her encouraging words, pulled my two year old down from the windowsill, reminded my son that feet do not go on the table and quietly contemplated my outlook on being a Mom. Was I really enjoying my children? Did I spend too much energy stressing about the little things and nagging them about age-appropriate childish behaviour? When I am older and my children have families of their own, will I have memories that bring me to tears of joy or tears of regret at wasted moments and opportunities lost?
Since that day I have come to understand that the couple looked on my family with longing and tears born of happy memories. They could see us struggling and imparted to us the most wonderfully encouraging reminder, life is short and our children are ours only for a brief time period and then they will move on as is the normal way of life. This is the time that we need to cherish and make an effort to enjoy whether things are going as we had planned or not.
So I will cheerfully clean the sidewalk chalk off the television, wash the peanut butter out of the cat’s fur and rescue family photos from the guinea pigs cage, because I know that one day when my husband and I are sitting alone on Mother’s Day, those memories will be the most important part of our meal.
After asking for a booth as far away from the other diners as possible “just in case” the children were loud, as children aged 2 and 5 tend to be, we settled in and began to examine the menu. Normally we try to pick food that can be eaten quickly and will taste good when re-heated in the event that we need to cut the evening short and get the children home. This time, we thought the children would be calm and accommodating since we had just spent a fortune on season’s passes and I had sacrificed my Mother’s Day to do something geared to the children. As is common with children, the depth of my “sacrifice” went unnoticed and the children did what children do and I quickly remembered why we usually go to a restaurant with a playground. Simply stated, chaos ensued.
Somewhere between picking my daughters socks up off the floor and reminding my son for the 10th time that he can’t eat his dinner underneath the table, I noticed an older couple at the table beside us. Normally I try to avoid eye contact when my children are being difficult because you never know if people are looking at you with pity or understanding because they empathize with the plight of a mother with small children in public. In any case this time I looked and what I saw surprised me greatly, the older gentleman had a huge smile on his face and the lady holding his hand across the table had tears in her eyes as she too smiled at the scene unfolding at our table.
Now it is not uncommon for tears to be present in this situation, but they are usually mine, so it was very interesting to me that a total stranger was staring, as my children took turns throwing forks at each other and touching the head of the man seated in the adjoining booth. I smiled and shrugged at the woman hoping that she would not judge me based on the behaviour of two children hopped up on sugar awake past their bedtime. She leaned over to me then and said the most surprising thing, she said “this is the best time of your life as a mother; enjoy them now while you can, even when they frustrate you, I wish I could go back!”
To be fair I have heard many a mother of grown children tell me that they wish they had enjoyed their kids more when they were small, but something in the face of this older mother struck me and inspired me to listen further to her sage advice. Maybe it was the tears, maybe it was the way her husband lovingly clutched her hand in a sort of honouring way, I’m not sure but I knew she was worth listening to and so I did.
She went on to say that her children were all grown up and they had children of their own now, and she advised them the same, to enjoy the craziness and the difficult behaviour of their young treasures. This woman had received that advice a long time ago and had tried her best to do so the entire time they were raising their children, holding tightly to those cherished memories now that the nest was empty and memories are vital.
As our meal arrived, I thanked the woman for her encouraging words, pulled my two year old down from the windowsill, reminded my son that feet do not go on the table and quietly contemplated my outlook on being a Mom. Was I really enjoying my children? Did I spend too much energy stressing about the little things and nagging them about age-appropriate childish behaviour? When I am older and my children have families of their own, will I have memories that bring me to tears of joy or tears of regret at wasted moments and opportunities lost?
Since that day I have come to understand that the couple looked on my family with longing and tears born of happy memories. They could see us struggling and imparted to us the most wonderfully encouraging reminder, life is short and our children are ours only for a brief time period and then they will move on as is the normal way of life. This is the time that we need to cherish and make an effort to enjoy whether things are going as we had planned or not.
So I will cheerfully clean the sidewalk chalk off the television, wash the peanut butter out of the cat’s fur and rescue family photos from the guinea pigs cage, because I know that one day when my husband and I are sitting alone on Mother’s Day, those memories will be the most important part of our meal.
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